What do Children owe their Parents?

Like I’m sure most parents do, I spent a lot of time thinking about how much I owe my children and how to fulfill my parental duties. Fortunately, I’m not quite at a time yet where I have to worry more about the other direction - how much I owe my parents and how to fulfill my duties as a child.

While my children are still young, I’d like to consider what I think they owe me…both now, but mainly as they grow into adulthood and I become older and more frail.

Does Effort Create Obligation?

There’s no denying that I’m putting a huge amount of effort into my children.
I’m not moving house, area, job…anything, all because I’m trying to give them a grounded stable upbringing in a beautiful rural setting in a school they love.

I’m also spending a huge deal of my time doing things I’d rather not do for them. Washing. Cleaning. Tidying. The jobs are endless, draining, and thankless.

I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining - I signed up for this and it comes with so many upsides that I think it’s worth it. But the reality is, I’m giving years and years of sacrifices, time and effort to these children.

Does that mean I can expect the same when they’re older? 18 years care when I’m elderly?

A Matter of Choice

No - I don’t think so - and I believe it’s because of choice.

I’m not giving my children a choice in the matter, and even if I did, I don’t think they’re in a position to accept or reject that choice. Can I say to my baby now “I’ll change your nappy now for the next two years if you’ll change mine for two when I’m 80?”

In choosing to have a child, I take the responsibility to look after the child and I don’t believe that reciprocal rights are automatically created.

Really? No Expectation at All?

Am I heartless then? In some cultures at least, there is an expectation that children will care for their parents in their old age. There are clear benefits that come with multi-generational living, and it’s been the standard for thousands of years. However, as a person who has moved city and country around 10 times in the last 20 years, multi-generational living seems practically stifling.

Moving from caring for children to also caring for parents sounds difficult - a brief respite from caring snatched away. Caring for parents sounds much harder too - knowing that you’re not building something entering life but managing a gradual decline. To be forced into that sounds horrible.

I think a balance is in order. Would I be happy to see my children have to derail their own lives to a large extent in order to keep me happy in my old age? Right now, I hope not. I believe that seeing your children grow up and experiencing them is all the gift they ‘owe’ you.

But would I feel hard done to if, despite everything I’m sacrificing for them, they move to a different part of the world and never speak to me, or even cut me out of their life completely? Absolutely.

Conclusion

I’d like to think my children will flourish, and will follow their hopes and dreams and I will support them and not weigh them down. If it means I see less of them and am less involved in their life, I hope I’ll still be happy about that.

If I need them to help me out when I’m older, I hope that they’d want to do it because they love me and want to help me, rather than because they feel like they have to.

Maybe I’ll think differently when I’m older.