Rationality, Reward, and Sleep Training

Let us assume that babies are rational economic creatures who act in their own interests.

It therefore follows that…

Sleep Training

OK, maybe that’s a slightly preposterous assumption but honestly, I’m not so sure. If we let ‘rational’ simply mean that they’re extremely sensitive to patterns of cause and effect, I think we’re onto something.

I’m currently about 3 months in to sleep training a baby and it’s not going well. He just won’t sleep. It’s hard to not take it personally, and there are two major ‘schools’ of thought on sleep training that can be pejoratively be summed up thusly:

Gentle Parenting

“Never let them cry - pick them up, shush them and hold them until they gladly accept being laid in the cot and fall asleep perfectly”.

As I try to make a quiet shush heard over the babies roar, it’s hard not to wonder what kind of baby this advice was written for and where I might get one of those.

Cry-it-out

Then there’s the other school of thought, who say you should leave your baby outside to fight the wolves and they’ll ultimately re-emerge the following morning with stubble, a wolf pelt, and the ability to sleep through the night. Very 300.

An Economic and Psychological Perspective

Let’s start with Charlie Munger’s famous quotation:

“Show me the incentive, and I’ll show you the outcome”

Psychological theory states (honestly, I’m not making this up - psychologists genuinely have theories about this) that people will aim to avoid unpleasant experiences and will seek positive experiences.

Let’s state as axiomatic that babies like comfort, warmth, attention and sleep in varying degrees at varying times. How do you then encourage a baby to go to sleep by themselves in their cot?

Well, assuming babies are rational, they’ll cry every time you put them in their cot until you pick them up. While they’re simultaneously getting warm, comforted, attention and sleep, they’ll be happy. Then they’ll wake up on their back in a cot and cry. Each time you go and pick them up, you reinforce the behaviour. You get the behaviour that you reward.

The argument for gentle parenting

There are a few that I’m aware of. The first is ultimately one of kindness - the argument goes that in letting babies ‘cry it out’, you’re teaching them that you won’t respond to their cries. You’re effectively abandoning them and showing them with your behaviour that they’re on their own. The idea is that this is terrifying to them and that, by extension, you’re basically scarring your child.

Another argument says that you need to show your baby that you are responsive to their needs - that you show yourself to be reliable and receptive to your baby’s emotions.

You can also argue that gentle parenting ultimately supports the child and allows them to develop at a pace that suits them. A newborn isn’t ready for cry-it-out, so at what point do you decide a baby is ready?

Psychological Theory

I’m not a child psychologist, but honestly, I’m much more persuaded (theoretically) by the arguments for cry-it-out. Everybody responds to incentives and we teach pretty much everything by rewarding behaviour we want to see more of.

I think many of the arguments for gentle parenting rely either on an assumption that a baby is approximately as cognitively developed as an adult, or focus on the short-term. A baby learning to sleep is a win for the baby and the parents - if it costs a month of horrible nights but gives a year of good sleep, I’d argue that’s worth it.

Ultimately gentle parenting is also supported by psychological theory - each time you place your child down in the cot they learn that it’s a safer place. And so each time you’re making them more comfortable in the cot, and thus reducing the downside associated with it. Eventually, the cot will cease to be a negative place, at which point the need for sleep will more comfortably overwhelm the need for attention/comfort.

However, I think I’d argue that the debate around sleep training should avoid talk of morality. Tired parents and children aren’t virtuous - sleep is critical for mental health and for cognitive development. We can’t afford to make this about ‘kindness’ - we need to consider incentives, development, and individual temperament.

Parental Experience

I’ve got three children - and let me tell you that a wholly gentle parenting approach could only possibly have worked with the middle child. She was happy to lay down, even when tired, and spent a lot of time rolling around and gooing and gaaing in all the ways a delightful baby does.

The eldest cried and cried and cried any time we laid him down, and no amount of shushing or singing or rocking would calm him until we picked him up. Then we told the stern Swedish midwife this and she said something that I still repeat to my wife at least once a month:

Remember, you’re the grown-up.

That night, I put him in his cot and rather than sitting next to him for an hour and singing until I gave up, I left the room. Five minutes later, he was asleep. It turns out I was bothering him, or keeping him up, or something.

Generally I think a nuanced approach is the right one. The same thing hasn’t worked for any of my children, so if somebody swears by an approach and it doesn’t work for you, don’t worry. Try something else. Parent the child you have, not the one you see on Instagram.

Secondly, you don’t have to go all-in on one of the methods. ‘Cry-it-out’ doesn’t have to mean leaving them for the night no matter what happens until they collapse with exhaustion. ‘Gentle parenting’ doesn’t have to mean rushing in at every little cry.

Our current baby still isn’t sleeping and I wish he would.

p.s. my wife read this and noted that I used the word I a lot when I mean we at best.